The Sun goes down behind me, I head for thehills
Trails like tangled roots
A gaze that hypnotizes my soul
lost, alone, I gaze and smile
After awhile being alone and lost is - alienating
Far from the Sun
far from where I'm from
It's okay
My heart knows it's way
I put my spirit to the dirt
Use my souls training,
I can feel I'm near my soul is never lost
even when I wander
Home is always near
Because it's in my heart
Love gives me Mercy, and I see signs that I'm close
Thank God
I'm Home
______________________________________________________
My
Name is, Basket Baby
Dear Diary,
Today my mom is supposed to
visit. If she does, if she doesn’t, doesn’t matter. I’d love to go to the
beach. The water makes me feel possibilities. The grandness of fulfillment is
like the ocean, and I am a drift looking for life. When I think of life I feel
empty, like a empty water well.
Hollow.
“Liz,
are we going school shopping?”
Why is she so bubbly?
“You start your first day of high school next
week!”
And I am supposed to be happy?
Elizabeth
unresponsively shrugged her shoulders.
“Honey,
isn’t your mother coming to visit you this afternoon? She called earlier, she
sound very sure she would be here. Don’t you want to even get up, and get
dressed just in case she is coming? And if she doesn’t we will go shopping!”
I’ve been hear for almost four
years
“No.
But, thank you. Shopping won’t help.”
It’s sad to think, that all I
have is in those three bags over there.
“Oh
honey pie” she plopped down next to her “- is it that time of month?”
She
pushes out a “Yea-”
That time of the month that Mom’s
supposed to visit but she never comes. I’m over it; yet there’s still this pit
in the bottom of my stomach- it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Aunt Wanda kisses her on the forehead.
“Honey,
I know it’s hard,” rubbing her back, “Get up, get dressed, put on your favorite
CD on, and take a shower. I guarantee you will feel a little better.”
“Okay.”
Music blasted.
“Elizabeth! Elizabeth!” Aunt Wanda yelled.
Liz
opened the door “Auntie Wanda, are you calling me?”
“Yes honey, come out here.”
Liz turned the bend of the living
room, she saw a woman positioned in the same corner as her bags. She stood
there slouched, and broken, resembling the bags she stood next to; A duffle,
drawstring backpack, and plastic bag that Liz rotate out once it was over used.
Elizabeth stopped where the carpet begun and observed the stranger. The woman,
brought her hand up to her face, which begun to light up with joy. Suddenly she
threw her hands up in the air and screeched, “Hi baby!” as she scampered across
the living room, then toiled her frail arms around Elizabeth, who’s arms where
pinned to her side. She struggled out a “Hi-”
“Lizard,
it’s me!”
“Hello?”
“Hello?”
- “Liz- it’s me!”
“Yea,
I know. Hello. What do you want me to say?”
“I
don’t know, hug me at least!”
Liz
stood there for a second. Tilted her head, looked down, took a few steps and
sat on the couch. She again examined the stranger.
She looked like her mother and other
then being kind’a skinny. She looked okay, wearing those loose Levi jeans, a
ribbed tank, and a men’s sports jacket like she always did.
“Well,
I am so used to you not showing up. So, I apologized for not really knowing
what to do right now.”
Natalie
sat, changing positions, assembling herself next to Liz. The air was hot like a
cowboys show down; there was a dusty lull, and a heat that made you feel
sticky. There goes that pit in my
stomach.
“I
know it has been a while Liz but,” she paused “I am just going to get to it out-”
She took a deep breath, licked her lips, and rubbed them together. “I found out
a month ago that I have HIV.” tears built in Natalie’s eyes.
“Okay
and?” Liz said uncompassionate.
“And,
I am here. Wanting to rekindle the relationship we once had.” She nostalgically
grinned as tears streamed like a river down her cheek. “Remember how I would
take you shopping? Oh, ‘member the stuff lizard I got you when you were five,
after you pleaded for an hour? We had good times.” She wiped the tears.
“So
you getting HIV pushed you to re-establish a relationship with me?” Liz started
to cry
“I’m
your only child- your baby girl?” she curiously, looked her mother in the eye,
testing the waters.
“Oh
no- No baby girl” she caressed her check and stroked her hair behind her ear.
“I
am realizing life is too short. -I Love you.”
“You
love that five year old little girl. You don’t even know me. I have not seen
you in almost four years.”
“That
is why I want to get to know you, Lizard.”
“Don’t
call me that! No one calls me that. Natalie, you’ve been dropping me off here
and there, in your words-,”
Liz
motioned quotes in the air, “…‘for just a while’ - ten years ago.”
“I
am sorry. I am so-so sorry. I know I was a bad mother. I just want your-”
“Support?
You came here for my support.” she takes a sip of water her Aunt Wanda had brought
in and stilly ponders. Grabs Natalie’s hands, looked into her eyes.
All the tears I had cried for ten
years straight flooded my soul.
She
throws her hands down, letting go.
“And
I am sorry. I can’t give you that.”
When I was a little girl all I wanted
was a mother.
“Lizard-I
want to try again. I want to be a mother.”
“You
want the idea of being a mother. And I can’t hurt over you anymore”
Putting
some base in her voice, that pit from the bottom of her stomach was released.
“You
dropped me off at the door step of your brother’s house like I was a newspaper,
not your child. Over time, you saying ‘I’m coming back’ got old and out dated. Now,
your here? Asking me for support?” she stands, you could here the tears being
held back in her voice. “I don’t care about you, like you haven’t cared about
me. You had sex or used drugs and got HIV alone. You know what; there were many
things I had to deal with alone.” Numbering them off she tapped her finger tips
together “You weren’t there for my first kiss, you weren’t there when I got
dumped for the first time, not even for my birthdays. For three years
straight.” She throws three fingers in her face- “I’m done!” -crossing her
hands throwing them down to her side.
I’m done.
I am not that confused child with pig tails
and no front teeth, begging you like a puppy to come home. And, if you can’t tell-
“I don’t need your love anymore.”
In order for me to live, I have
to let you go.
“Aunt
Wanda lets go shopping? Nice seeing you Natalie”
Word
Count: 1111